A Testimony of God’s Grace

The problem—fear of rejection

When I was twelve years old I had a major problem. I viewed myself as unattractive and inferior to others. I envied the other girls around me and compared my seemingly blotchy skin and straggly hair to their smooth skin and perfect, shiny hair. In my eyes I was less than perfect—I was ugly! I continually asked myself, “Why didn’t God make me beautiful like that girl over there?” I failed to realize that by rejecting the design I was also rejecting the Designer.

This attitude soon led to extreme shyness and a fear of rejection. I began taking out my frustrations on my younger brother and sisters, who did not seem to appreciate me as their older sister. This soon created continual conflict with my father—who reproved me for my lack of love towards my siblings—and my mother—every time she corrected me I reacted with tears and resentment. This attitude caused me to continually feel miserable and hate myself.

How I tried to solve my problem and failed—reading romance novels

There were several ways I tried to solve my fear of rejection. First, I tried to dress better and more decently than any of my Christian friends. This caused me to develop an attitude of pride. For, when I saw that they were not as “Godly” in their dress as I was, I would inwardly look down on them with scorn and contempt. I’m sure they must have seen me as a self-righteous bigot and snob.

Then, when I was about thirteen, I retreated from reality by reading romance novels. I lived out in my dream world what I felt I would never experience in my real world. My father tried to tell me that filling my mind with fiction was damaging to my spirit. He had a favorite saying that he always told me at such times—“garbage in, garbage out.” “Daughter,” he would say, “if you keep filling your mind with that garbage, then garbage will be the only thing that ever comes out of your mouth and heart.” I ignored his counsel and continued reading the novels in the secret of my room—for I had grown weary of my dad catching me reading them and of the lecture that would follow. The damage of these romance novels became apparent one day when something happened that I never expected.

One day, when I was seventeen, I was talking with a group of friends and a young man made a belittling comment about himself. I responded to this by trying to encourage him with a compliment. He replied, “Maybe you are the girl God wants me to marry.” I just laughed because the thought had never entered my mind. But now that the thought was in my mind, it was fueled by my world of fantasy. I began imagining myself married to him. I knew it was wrong, but I continued to dwell on the thought.

My dad heard about the young man’s comment, and told me that a young man would never say something like that if he had not already seriously thought about it. He then asked me if he still had my heart. I laughed him off, telling him that I was perfectly fine and that of course he still had my heart. However, this stream of thought got so bad that it became an obsession. I would tell myself, “I’m not going to think about this anymore,” and would try to think about something else, only to return to that thought within a minute or so.

God’s answer to the problem—to love and concentrate on Him

Freedom from this torment came two months later when I attended a Christian seminar. A speaker spoke on the urgent need of surrendering your “love life” to the Lord, asking Him to put those desires to sleep until His perfect timing, and loving and concentrating on Him above all else. Another speaker also spoke on this issue, emphasizing the danger of romance novels. He said, “What pornography is to boys, romance novels are to girls.” The words of these two speakers went like arrows to my heart, and I became convicted of following my own way and ignoring God’s principles.

We were given a time to pray, and I prayed that God would forgive me for failing to walk the narrow path, asked Him to put all desires of marriage to sleep until His timing, and purposed to never read a romance novel again (I went home and disposed of my numerous novels and have not touched one since that time—nor have I missed them). However, our minds cannot live in a vacuum and we must fill them with something. At this conference, I heard a young lady quote several chapters of Scripture and then explain how she memorizes a certain amount of Scripture each day. This challenged me to do the same thing, and since that time—a year ago—I have tried to memorize at least ten verses a day.

The results of applying God’s answer—He freed me from bondage and has allowed me to enjoy a close relationship with Him

Since making that surrender a year ago, God has given me the grace to be very much asleep to all desires of marriage and has freed me to concentrate fully on serving and worshiping Him. He has shown me that I am a beautiful princess in His sight—and that is all that truly matters. The Lord has given me a whole new love for Him and others, and I now love my family more than I ever thought possible. Engrafting Christ’s Word into my life has also helped by replacing the romance novels and thoughts of marriage with thoughts of the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It has drawn me closer to the Lord who is my true and eternal Lover. His promises sustain me, and I rest in Him complete. At the end of life’s journey, may others remember me as one who loved the Lover of her soul. “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jeremiah 31:3).

—Melody from Texas